Part 2

Let's skip ahead...September of last year I switched jobs in hopes of regaining a sense of purpose and joy - which were two things that I had been lacking in. Turns out the change of jobs only sunk me deeper into the pit. Not only did I hate that job, but I drove twice as far to get to it. I was literally losing time because so much of it was spent on the road. By February I was done.

Then out of the blue I get a text from an old friend at my church in St. Joe, Michigan. She wanted to see if I'd be willing to come back up to Michigan for a weekend retreat for their middle school group. She knew I was going through a hard time and needed to get away and be surrounded by people who loved me so she invited me up, no strings attached. And I went. And it was awesome.

I turned off my phone for 2.5 days and just focused on God and the relationships around me. The first night someone puked in the tabernacle. Now this might seem like a minor, albeit graphic detail, but it's important to the story as a whole. While we were waiting for the maintenance crew at the camp, I decided to go ahead and start taking care of some of the mess. A few minutes later, an older couple, who happened to be the maintenance people, came in and took over for me. The next day at lunch, the same couple called me over to their lunch table and introduced themselves to me.

For the past year, Gary and Sue had served as interim camp directors for the camp we stayed at. And the barf cleaning display showed them all they needed to know about me. Gary offered me a job for Activities Director / Assistant Camp Director for the summer. Now despite all the difficulties I was having at my current job, it paid well and had benefits. But, I heard him out, asked specific questions about the job and gave him the pat Christian answer..."let me pray about it".

If I'm honest, I didn't pray about it. In fact, I barely gave it a second thought. Until a few weeks later...

Recycled Blog

Okay, okay, okay... I admit it! The blog I posted this morning was a recycled, yet slightly revamped blog from my previous Michigan experience. And now the weight of the guilt has overcome me in such a way that I feel the need to write a new one. Actually... I didn't honestly realize it was recycled until I started reminiscing over my previous blogs and all the cool things I've done and written about. It was fun to see how my "voice" has changed over the years, and a reminder of my experiences and what I've been through.

So I'm taking a step back and in a series of an indeterminate amount of blogs I'm going to fill in the gaps.

In 2010 I'd been everywhere and done everything, including: California, Louisiana, Montana, Michigan and my grand return to Indiana (which was technically in 2011, but you get the point). When I left Michigan (the first time) I would have thought that was the end...but in a cool "beginning" kind of way. I left St. Joe to move back to Indy to help plant a church. The planting pastor and I had met while I was in St. Joe and he and his family invited me to come along and be apart of what God was doing on the Southeast side of Indianapolis. I've traveled a lot and with that travel has come some amazing adventures and experiences and relationships with people that I never would have had otherwise. But it also came with a sense of loneliness. All those experiences were temporary, had expiration dates, but when it came to Indy, this was a new adventure in a place I really felt I could call home.

I had prayed for God to give me a place to hang pictures on the wall, and a place that had a sense of permanence. Something I'd not experienced since moving out of my childhood home when I graduated high school. So I thought Indy was it. Being a part of a church plant that 20 years down the road I was still working at is the stuff dreams are made of. At least, that's what I thought. But the closer we came to launching the church plant, the more frustrated and unsettled I'd become. After a long and hard conversation with the planting pastor - we determined that I was on the wrong seat on the bus, and children's ministry (my role in the church plant) wasn't where I needed to be. I felt like a failure. Once again, the door to church ministry was being closed, and truth be told I didn't know what I was supposed to do anymore.

I stayed at the church plant, and I loved every minute of it. I loved the relationships I built - many of which I still maintain today. And I loved the heart of the church and what it was offering the community it served. I loved being a part of something bigger than me, but something was still missing. And that was my place. After stepping out of children's ministry there was nothing else for me. We didn't have enough (or hardly any) teenagers to have a student ministry. And our church, as a plant with about 60 people maintained that we wanted to do a few things well instead of a bunch of things mediocre. So I became a "pew-sitter". And I questioned everything. I had a job that I hated, but at least it paid the bills, but I had lost a sense of purpose.

A Little Bit of Thunder...

Last night we had some pretty crazy, ridiculous weather. There were threats of tornadoes, but it was the wind, rain, lightning and thunder that caught my attention more than anything. One of my very best friends is absolutely terrified of thunderstorms. Even though I'm hundreds of miles and a state away, every time there is thunder I always think of her. A couple of years ago I came across a story that somehow never made it into my Sunday school learnings, but every time there's a thunderstorm I always think about it.

Exodus 19:16-19 says: "On the third day at daybreak, there were loud claps of thunder, flashes of lightning, a thick cloud covering the mountain, and an ear-piercing trumpet blast. Everyone in the camp shuddered in fear. Moses led the people out of the camp to meet God. They stood at attention at the base of the mountain. Mount Sinai was all smoke because God had come down on it as fire. Smoke poured from it like smoke from a furnace. The whole mountain shuddered in huge spasms. The trumpet blasts grew louder and louder. Moses spoke and God answered in thunder."

Thunder... God answered in THUNDER. Moses spoke... and God answered. in THUNDER!!! That offers me some hope. I'll never forget, when I came across those verses the first time, I immediately texted my friend and said this: “The next time you find yourself in the middle of a thunderstorm and you’re scared, I want you to hear the voice of God. It should make you jump a little, but it should also offer you some peace- to know that the God of the universe, creator of everything, including and especially you just wants you to hear his voice and know he’s talking to you.”

Now, thunderstorms don't necessarily scare me, but I will admit, that at times, especially when the lightning is close, and the thunder rips off a huge BOOM, I jump, I'm startled, it might catch me off guard. But then I think, isn't that how the voice of God should be? The creator of the world, and me, has something to say, and sometimes, he needs to get my attention, and break out his "big voice".

But then, I'm also drawn to stories of a gentler voice: like that of 1 Kings. When God was dealing with Elijah, there were a lot of things happening, fire, wind, earthquakes, but God wasn't in any of those things. Unlike in Exodus, when he was causing all of those things, and he spoke in THUNDER. But you know, to me, it's not contradictory. It speaks to the character of my God. Elijah was at a really difficult place in his life. He was depressed, asking God to just kill him off and be done with it, and I'm not sure Thunder would have been the best way to communicate to him. But in Exodus, and with Moses, God is pumped! This is right after God has delivered his people from the Egyptians, and Israel's getting kind of whiny and losing sight of what exactly has happened here. And so God is using some drastic measures to get their attention. HELLO!!!! I'M GOD!!!! I JUST SAVED YOU FROM EGYPT, AND SLAVERY!!!! GIVE ME SOME CREDIT HERE, I'M NOT JUST GOING TO LEAVE YOU TO DIE IN THE DESERT AFTER ALL WE'VE BEEN THROUGH!!!!

I've had times and moments in my life where God has to bring out his "big voice" and really get my attention and remind me that he's big enough to handle me and my stuff. Or he exudes his excitement for all of the amazing things he's doing. But there are other times, when I'm in the pit of despair experiencing untold heartbreak and pain, when God simply walks by and whispers to remind me that he's still there and he's not going anyway.

I'm so thankful for a God who meets us where we are.

Advent

So I'm working at a church now, and as we enter into the month of November, we find ourselves already in preparation for advent...despite the fact that it doesn't really start for another month. As I find myself in the midst of this preparation I also do some internalizing and thinking: Advent: means “the arrival”, one definition even goes so far as to clarify “especially one which is awaited”. For Christians, advent is the four Sundays leading up to Christmas. Where we celebrate the “hope, peace, joy, and love” that Jesus’ birth brought to the world. But what does that mean for me now, in 2013? What am I “waiting” for? Is it just the arrival of the Second Coming? Because, if that’s the case, it feels like a waste of time. Not because I’m not excited about Jesus’ Second Coming, and most definitely not because I’m not excited about heaven…whatever that may look like. But because if I spend my life “waiting” for the next thing then I’m missing out on what’s happening now. When you’re a baby, people can’t wait until you can start walking and talking, and of course the well awaited potty training (talk about an advent…). Then once the toddler stage hits, people can’t wait until you go to elementary school. Then once in elementary school you can’t wait to go to middle school. Middle school leads to High School, which leads to college. But it doesn’t stop there. There’s always another phase of life. After college it’s getting a job, then dating, getting married, having kids, sending them to school… and the cycle repeats itself. I’m single. And most people tell me to enjoy singlehood, because I’m going to miss it when it’s gone. But even my married friends experience this advent in their lives… this “next thing” because when you’re dating someone, it’s “when are you going to get engaged”, when you’re engaged, it’s “when are you getting married”, after your married, it’s “when are you having babies”?! At what point are we, and the people around us satisfied with where we are in life. Not saying that we can’t continue to be challenged and grow. But can’t we do that and still be content with where we are in life? For anyone who’s known me, they know that I’ve wanted to be married for as long as I can remember. When I was a little girl, I dreamed of the Prince Charming that would come and be a part of my life forever, and we would meet and fall in love in college, and live happily ever after. Well, I’m 29, no longer in college, and have all of one failed relationship under my belt. I’m still awaiting the “advent” of Prince Charming – or at least my version of him and who he may be in my life. But I’m trying very hard to be content. I’m trying very hard to love myself and love God so that when “he” walks into my life. I’m ready for him, and for the next phase of my life. And I won’t be one of those people who looks back on my single days and thinks, “if only I’d made the most of those days” or “if only I would have enjoyed them while I had them because I’m never going to get them back”. I want to make the most of the time I have now and the life I have now and not always looking ahead to what I don’t have. It’s like that saying “seeing the forest for the trees”. I’m in the trees right now, and I want to enjoy the beauty and serenity of what they have to offer me here and now, because days, weeks, months, and years from now they won’t be the same. And neither will I.